On The 11th Anniversary Of My Death

11 years ago I had my NDE (near-death-experience) that not only changed my life forever, but that started my very own spiritual awakening. Many of us here on earth at this time have faced some dire physical issues, (sickness, illness, chronic pain, etc.) and although these situations are very much unwanted, many people’s spiritual awakening does originate, and get triggered by a health crisis. 

It saddens me to think of all that I lost 11 years ago, my children, my dreams to be a mother, my physical health & wellness. But, I try to always remind myself of the bigger picture, the bigger plan at play. I was given a second chance at life. I was given amazing gifts to help others align with their power and heal themselves in the process. 

Although I still continue to struggle to be open with my past, my journey, and my current struggles, I do feel like I have touched so many people’s lives, that it makes what I went through worth it. I have been able to help heal others while helping to heal myself. 

Because of my experience with losing my babies and not having the opportunity to be a Mom here in this life time, I have been able to help heal the other Moms out there with angel babies in heaven. Losing a child at any stage in life is probably the most devastating life experience you could ever have. The pain never fully goes away. Even knowing that they are in a better place (and being able to speak to them in spirit whenever I want) still doesn’t lessen the weight that I carry on my heart space. 

I have had the absolute honour and privilege to help other Moms wade through the dark waters of this realm without their child here with them. It’s no easy task, but apparently I was chosen to do it. I have had the great honour in connecting those Moms to their spirit children to help them understand that the loss was not their fault. 

Understanding how soul contracts work was an absolute game changer for me. It did lessen the blow of the hurt I was carrying, realizing that we all agreed to this. That my babies were never meant to live an actual physical life, but instead act as the catalyst for me to gain meaning and purpose through honouring them and their memory through helping to heal others. I have had the absolute honour of counselling angel baby Mothers to a place of peace, and even watch them bring their rainbow babies into the world. It’s bittersweet. It always will be bitter sweet to me. 

But today, on the 11th anniversary of my death, I am aiming to reach more people than ever. I am entering into my 11th year of healing and energy work, which SCREAMS connecting to larger audiences (11th house rules). I want to be that quiet post a stranger stumbles upon on the internet in their time of need. I want them to feel connected and not so alone. This is a heavy world, where we’ve been given heavy karmic contracts to fill. We are all struggling to process and integrate our past pain and trauma, to raise our vibration and stand in the light. 

Whatever your storyline is, however heavy it may be, you’re not alone! You’re NEVER alone. 

The Universe is too intelligent to have you bear such weight and responsibility without the right support system in place to help you on your way. We are connecting to like-minded people from all over the world, recognizing parts of ourselves in complete strangers. THIS is the energy connection we’ve been sent here to make. THIS is the coming together of the collective consciousness that will help heal the planet while we help heal ourselves and each other. 

I want to thank every single one of you for being a part of my journey. For sharing such a beautiful soul contract with me to push through life’s challenges together, as one consciousness, as one heart space. My hope is that you will continue to walk this path with me as we create a vision for the future where love conquers all. 

Related Articles:

• On the 10th Anniversary of My Death

• How I Ended Up Dying

• My White Light Moment

• The Aftermath of The Afterlife: Part 1

• The Aftermath of The Afterlife: Part 2

The Aftermath of the Afterlife: Part 2

*** TRIGGER WARNING: Please be advised that the following post contains graphic and triggering content.***

The physical repercussions of what happened to me in that operating room have been the catalyst for me to learn all there is to know about the human body and how it functions. The long road of recovery is still taking place even 10+ years later. The autoimmune issues and secondary complications from all that took place is still a learning process. Just when you think you have it all figured out, your symptoms change, you become reactive to "safe" products and foods, and suddenly you have to start from square one.

Although the physical challenges have been my most difficult to overcome, the emotional, mental, and spiritual challenges I have faced weren't any easier. Of course with that kind of trauma and loss it takes a toll on your emotional and mental state. I spent 4.5 hours every week for the first year after the trauma with a psychiatrist and a mental health team who specialized in Women's Health Postpartum issues. I worked with grief counsellors to process the loss of my babies, and with the help and support of these specialists, I slowly but surely found my center again.

It was hard to process all that went on, all that had happened, and filtering my feelings and experiences to not reveal the spiritual crisis I was in after what I had saw. I was walking a very thin line of receiving help for the emotional and mental aspect, all the while knowing that I couldn't reveal the spiritual experience I had, in fear I'd be looked at as crazy or trigger some kind of event where I got locked up in the mental ward. I was terrified that what I had experienced would be looked upon as a mental crisis, so I kept those details and my experiences to myself.

I knew the minute I woke up in the hospital that I was different. I didn't feel like myself. I could see colourful mists around people, and somehow knew what they were thinking. I remember waking up when one of the nurses came into do a check on me, she smiled as I opened my eyes and hovered over me asking me if I needed anything. I said, "You have to go." She came closer to me and asked me to repeat myself, as my voice was still very much a whisper from the damage that took place during surgery. I said, " You have to go." "Go?" She asked, "Go where?" "The girl down the hall, she needs you." I said. Confused she looked at me and said, "What girl?"

At that moment a CODE BLUE rang throughout the hospital requesting all medical teams to head to the room the emergency was taking place in. As the nurse heard the call, she looked at me. I put my finger (the one with the "ET" heart rate monitor on it) up in the air pointing at the ceiling where the speaker was sounding off. "She needs you." I said. "You have to go!" The nurse was confused but left my room in a hurry to respond to the code call.

Later on that day, before she ended her shift, she came back into my room for final rounds. I opened my eyes and asked her if the girl was alright. She nurse looked uncomfortable, but told me that she was doing fine, that it was a close call but they were able to bring her back. I smiled at her, and said "She's scared. She's all alone with a new baby. She doesn't think she can do it. But she can. This is her chance." The nurse politely smiled at me, and quickly left my room.

When I finally got out of the hospital and could head home, I went to stay with my father. My house had too many stairs and I wasn't even able to walk unassisted at that point, so the stairs were a deal breaker for me. I was on some pretty heavy medications after the trauma. I would slip in and out of a dream state where I was experiencing some pretty new dream content, with some really disturbing messages. I had chalked it all up to the drugs until I stopped taking all my meds and the weirdness continued.

Once I stopped taking my meds, I actually couldn't sleep. I would fall into a dream state where I was back in the hospital waking up for the first time with all the doctors standing over me. I could hear babies crying in the background and the dream took a scary turn when the doctors started yelling at me about how I had already forgotten about my babies. They were tormenting me saying that I just left without my babies and now they will be given away, how someone else will raise them.

At that point in the dream I would wake up, terrified, sweating, crying, and reliving the whole trauma over again. This happened multiple times a night, and went on for weeks. The lack of sleep didn't make my days in physical and emotional therapy any easier. It took a toll on me. It got to a point where I was even scared to fall asleep because I didn't want to experience that dream again.

After 11 days of being awake, not falling asleep for even one second, I asked my doctor for help. She gave me some meds to help me sleep, and we worked through the mental and emotional issues connected tot the dream. I got an overwhelming urge to get a tattoo for my babies, memorializing them in the most permanent way I could think of. My boyfriend at the time (the "would be" father of my children) carried me into a tattoo parlour and laid me in the chair where I got my tattoo.

On my right arm, the side of my body that received the most damage, the side of my body that didn't have collapsed veins, the side of my body that kept me alive, I memorialized my children where I wear my heart on my sleeve. That night, as if I had made some kind of peace within myself. I slept for the first time since the trauma without any kind of nightmare forcing me to wake.

The weirdness didn't stop there though. I had been experiencing these really weird times where my ears would ring so badly that it was debilitating. It sounds like a microphone was too close to the speaker inside my head. I couldn't see anything, or hear anything around me when it happened, other then this loud screeching inside my head. This went on for a while. With no physical or medical explanation, I was left to deal with it on my own.

One night as I was watching tv, this happened again. But this time, the loud speaker in my head came through, like I had been scanning the radio for a clear channel. It sounds like many voices speaking together at one time. RUN! That's what I heard. RUN! Run?! Run where? I can hardly even walk how the eff am I suppose to run?!

The messages "RUN!" came through at least once a day. Me, now confused and numb to these experiences, I just let them come and go. Spirit doesn't like to be ignored though. Of course I didn't know that at the time, so it was a hard learning curve.

When I went to sleep at night all I dreamt about was me being in bed in a dark room. The whispers in the shadows kept repeating "Run... run.... run..." This went on for weeks. Finally, one night, the dreamscape changed. The whispers were still chanting, but this time they became louder. And the louder they got, the more I covered my head with pillows in my dream. I remember watching myself all curled up in my bed, my head covered with pillows, and then the chanting stopped. I watched myself take the pillows away from my head and when I sat up in my bed, there were figures of people standing all around me. They stood there, still, unfamiliar, and silent. And then they opened their mouths all at once and this high pitched frequency came streaming out.

In that moment I woke up.

This dream went on for months. The same dream, the same chanting, the same figures, the same high pitched frequency. I woke up at the same time, every time.

Six months later, I reached a huge goal in physio therapy. Finally walking unassisted, and able to stand for more than 10 minutes, I had another crisis. My boyfriend at the time, was an alcoholic, and an abusive one at that. The truth is, I had no business being with this guy. I knew he was trouble. We had had our first physical altercation the day before I found out I was pregnant. We decided that was our wake up call and that we had to put the past behind us, to start new and be better for our child.

To say that he was supportive of me during my trauma would be a lie. He spent the time I was in surgery drinking in the parkade, he was talking to other women and inviting them over to my house while I was still in the hospital, and he beat me down emotionally for "Not being able to provide him with children." "What's wrong with you? he'd say. Thirteen year old girls get pregnant and have babies the first time they have sex. What's your excuse?"

That kind of mental and emotional abuse is never okay, but when someone is already at their very lowest, that kind of talk can be deadly. Not in a position to fight, argue, or defend myself, I just took it. I just took whatever crap he threw my way and internalized it.

That night, on the day I reached my physio goal, he was drinking and became very dangerous. I had asked him to leave many times, but we both knew he wasn't going anywhere. At the end of my rope, I grabbed the phone and hid it under my blanket. I hit redial knowing he had talked to his parents earlier on that evening. Trembling, I held the phone still allowing them to hear the shitshow that was taking place in my living room. After a few minutes, when I felt they had heard enough, I hung up the phone. They immediately called back, and when he answered he played it cool like all was well in the world.

As I watched his face, I knew they were confronting him about all they had just witnessed. His eyes glazed over in blackness and he threw the phone at the wall smashing it in a million pieces. He threw is lit cigarette on my carpeted floor, dumped his beer over me before throwing it threw my window and came at me as I was sitting on the couch. "RUN!" The voices in my head screamed at me, "RUN! RUN! RUN!"

That was the first time in my life I had been thrown across the room like a rag doll. What seemed to be the longest minutes I had ever lived turned into a nightmare that even I couldn't wake up from. I crawled over the floor trying to reach my cell phone to call the cops. Just as the operator answered he grabbed the phone from me smashing that too. He had spent time in jail as a young defender and was terrified to go back as an adult.

"RUN!" They screamed, "RUN!" I got up an ran to the kitchen. He was screaming at me that he was going to kill me and I believed him.

Just as I reached my butchers block of kitchen knives, he came from behind and attacked me, trying to get the knife from my hands. He threw me against the cupboards and stood over me as I was screaming on the top of my lungs for help. In that moment I knew there wasn't a chance in hell that my neighbour was going to hear me screaming and that I was going to die in my own kitchen.

Suddenly I was looking over my body, again. I was up in the corner of the ceiling looking down on all that was taking place. I kept telling myself that it was okay, help was coming and that I was going to be alright. My physical self kept kicking and screaming and trying to get him off of me, to get his hands away from my throat. My spirit self was screaming at my body from up in the corner of the ceiling, trying to cheer me on and keep fighting.

Just as I thought I was living my last minutes of life, my spirit self, hoovering above me and him on the floor, seen his parents running down the hall. His father grabbed him off me and rushed him to get out of there before the cops came. His mother kneeled down beside me and when I took my first breath free of his hands my spirit self jumped back into my body.

With the boyfriend now gone, and me in utter distress, his mother picked me up off the floor and got me settled on the couch. I was covered in beer, spit, blood, and tears. My house was totally destroyed. Broken windows, smashed tv, broken phones, curtains hanging off the wall, the fridge and its contents tipped over. His mother cried with me as she cleaned me up.

The police arrived and walked threw the hanging screen door that he ripped off on his way out. And when the cop entered my home he was just about as impressed as I was.

I lied. I lied to the cop. I made up some bullshit story about what had happened, and brushed it off even though his mother begged for me to tell the truth. I couldn't do it. It wasn't because I loved him, or wanted to protect him, it was because I loved his parents and his family so much, that I couldn't bear to be the reason of why their son would be in jail.

Against the cop's and his mother's advice, I stood my ground and stuck with my story and let him get away "Scott-free".

I laid in bed all night without closing my eyes for one second. I was waiting for the sun to come up so I could go to my father's house when we woke up. Beaten and bruised, I showed up on his door step and that was the last time I ever stayed in my own house.

I was struggling both mentally and emotionally with all that had just took place. I was getting ready to take a shower to wash the night off of me and I broke down in tears.

In my head, I asked for God or whoever was listening, to give me a sign. Give me a sign that things will be okay, that I did the right thing, and that I'm safe. Not sure, what I was actually expecting, I took off my clothes to get in the shower, and as I stood there, looking at myself in the mirror, tears running down my face, I got my sign.

On my chest was a bruise in the shape of an angel. He had forcefully pushed me against the wall with such power, that his handprints were embossed in my skin.

The angels were with me. The angels were in me. I was finally safe.

My White Light Moment

With the energy of the cosmos now focused on our inner journey, our inner healing, our inner pain, I feel supported in sharing my "White light" experience with you.

If you have been following me for any length of time, you may recall my near-death-experience I described in the post: On The 10th Anniversary of My Death, and the events that have "gifted" me with my abilities to help others heal, in the post: How I ended Up Dying.

This has been a touchy subject for me over the years, but because of my soul contract I feel the need to share my experience in hopes of helping others who have experienced similar things. I will go more into detail about the events you are about to read in my book (if it ever feels complete enough to share), until then, I ask you to please be open minded to a world we aren't familiar with.

Before this event I did not believe in God. I always had a strong belief in a higher power but felt that the biblical version of God was not the same version that I believed in. I believed in angels. I believed in an afterlife. I believed that everything happened for a reason. That day laying on the operating table of my second emergency surgery, I experienced events that totally rattled my beliefs. I had a "white light" moment, that would change, my life forever. 

I woke up on the operating table and heard all kinds of beeping sounds and doctors screaming. It was very bright as I opened my eyes. My eyes came into focus and I could see were the big surgery lamps over me as they hung from the ceiling. I could hear machines going off; sirens, and CODE BLUE being spoken over the loud speaker.

I sat up and swung my legs to the side and got up off the operating table. As I turned around to scope out the place, I noticed that there I was, still laying on the table. There were a group of doctors who were shoving tubes in me, one down my throat, others in my arms. Another group of doctors and nurses were still working to repair the hemorrhage in my abdomen from where they cut my baby out of me.

There were doctors frantically coming in and out of the operating room, responding to the CODE BLUE call.

And there I stood, over my own lifeless body.

Although I had no clue what was actually happening and how it could be even possible for this to be happening, I started frantically trying to get in the doctor's way. I was screaming at them to just let me go. I had a very difficult childhood and had struggled through a couple suicide attempts in my teens. I had recovered to the point where I no longer attempted to end my life, but I wasn't against dying by accident.

The truth was, if there was a button to end your life, "game over", it would have been pushed years ago. Especially now, having just been through the pregnancy from hell, I really didn't have much fight left in me. All I ever wanted was to be a Mom and now that dream was gone.

I was crying and trying to swipe the doctor's hands away, but just like I was dreaming, I was invisible to these people. No one could see me or hear me, and I couldn't physically make contact with anything I was trying to touch. It was as if I were a ghost and my touch sliced right through these people and objects I was trying to make contact with; as if I had disappeared.

I was having a fit at this point. I didn't want the doctors to save me. I didn't want to wake up and live through this life. I just wanted them to let me go.

In that moment the room lit up. Not as if someone opened the window to let the sun in, but more like this beautiful, mesmerizing, white light that penetrated every inch of that place in an awe-inspiring glow.

The truth is, I don't have the words in my vocabulary to truly describe this light. Not because I am unaware of the words to use in this instance, but because the words just simply don't exist in our language to describe the kind of light I was witnessing.

The light was coming in more and more, every time the operating doors swung opened. There were doctors entering and exiting through these doors where it seemed as if they were getting sucked up and spit out by this engulfing light. But it shocked me that they weren't even paying attention it. They were rushing around as if it were business as usual.

I started to turn away from myself laying on the operating table as I tried to walk towards the light. I had gotten to the end of the operating table where my physical body still lay, where my feet were secured in stirrups; and I was suddenly stuck in space. I was unable to move any further, as if magnets were keeping me from getting too far away from my body.

Still in a state of distress and confusion, I struggled to walk towards the light but couldn't make it past that point. I hung my head in defeat and the tears fell off my face. When I looked up there stood my grandmother. She had passed away when I was 9 years old, but yet there she stood smiling at me in that operating room.

I wanted to walk towards her but still couldn't move any further away from my body as it lay on the operating table than before. Nanny spoke no words to me, but she carried a face and smile that for some reason assured me that things were going to be okay.

The flicker of the white light still kept getting brighter with each opening of the OR doors. A man walked in but wasn't rushing like the others were. He was very calm and peaceful and walked to the right side of my Nanny were he stopped and folded his hands in front of him. I kept looking at my Nanny, but she showed me no signs of worry or concern.

The doors opened again filling the room with even more brightness and this time a girl walked in. I couldn't see her because her hair was long and covering her face from my view, but she wore the same hospital gown as I did. She walked behind my Nanny, and then behind the man, and turned to walk towards the operating table.

The closer she got, the more I started to scream, "NOOOOOO!" . I looked to my Nan and this strange man to stop this girl from coming near me or my body on the operating table, but neither of them moved.

I couldn't move.

I wasn't sure what she was doing, but I felt the need to stop it. She walked like a robot towards me and then jumped up on the table and laid down over my body.

Then I woke up. 

Related articles:

• The Aftermath of the Afterlife: Part 1

• The Aftermath of the Afterlife: Part 2

Should We Really Embrace Our Pain?

We as Souls decide to be humans to experience the hardships, challenges, pain and adversity, because as a Universal love we don't have the means to embody any other perspective than oneness, unconditional love, and understanding in Spirit form.

Humans are messy.

We have complex bodies and minds, and with our Soul and inner spirit inside of our heavy meat suits, we walk through the ups and downs of life trying to accomplish inner peace.

We are born with a quest for inner peace because that is the energy we live in as Spirit. It acts as our moral compass within these complex bodies to lead us on the path that gives us the best chance of feeling the inner peace that we come from.

This is a pretty heavy world we live in. We have lots of opportunities to either become more in alignment with our inner selves, or the chance to live in the world of illusions that we have created through the roles and requirements of the survival of our ego.

Ego is the voice and programming we have in our head. It is the inner chatter of negative and fear based motivations that have us abandoning the moral compass inside to fulfill all of our worldly needs and desires. And there's nothing wrong with that!

If you have a soul that has spent countless reincarnations as a poor or unfortunate human, struggling through lives without the luxuries of pleasure and comfort, it is totally fair to come into this life as a rich person who lives every moment surrounded with the best of the best this world has to offer, and not feel bad about it. Many people will get to experience that life lesson and at the end of that life, most would agree that THINGS, material possessions, and wealth was fun, but it came at far too great of a price.

Jim Carey, as eccentric as he's been over the years, will be the first one to say that everyone should have the opportunity to be rich and famous for them to realize that it isn't the answer.

The richest a soul wants or needs to be, is rich in experience, rich in lessons, and rich in the wisdom to know that if it wasn't for their pain and struggles, they would have never discovered their strength, their spiritual self, or the closest thing to inner peace a human could ever know.

I truly believe that The Universe gives the best students the toughest tests, and that we are tested in our faith and ability to tap into the love and trust in one's self and in the Universe as our Souls know very well. Many of the greatest spiritual healers come from great tragedy and pain. True healers don't go looking to fix people, but rather attract those ready to be triggered into wanting to help and heal themselves.

Through the scars of those that use their stories of experience to help inspire and encourage others to find their inner light, healers must endure the greatest pain from life experience to be able to show others that the way out of darkness, is to follow the light.

As humans, we are told that pain is something we want to avoid. Yes, it's unpleasant and something no one wants to voluntarily experience, but the reality is, it's through pain and discomfort that we learn and grow. Sometimes we don't have a choice in the trauma that we've experienced. We are conditioned by culture, genetics, environment, and influenced by those that raised us.

A lot of the time, we suffer from the actions and decisions of others. A child doesn't have control on whether they are abused, yet the abuser’s own inner hurt caused long lasting effects on a child that had nothing to do with the pain they experienced in life. Often times pain is passed down through generations, and each time it is up to us to heal from hurts that we didn't cause ourselves.

We as a society are going through a huge health crisis, as the weight and stresses of this world are sometimes too overwhelming for our energetic selves to handle. Because we are energy bodies trapped inside these human bodies, the alignment of these systems are so influential on each other that we have to treat disorders and diseases as whole body sicknesses and not focus on JUST the mental body, or JUST the emotional body, or JUST the physical body.

We are now seeing an epidemic of new diseases and disorders that are misunderstood to the medical community. Disorders like fibromyalgia, CRPS, MS, Dementia, and Alzheimers are effecting more people now than ever before.

I am a true believer in both energy and medical science, and trust that you need to factor both in, in order to fully understand what these diseases and disorders are operating on.

Most of the unexplainable disorders and diseases now are nervous system based. Because we live in a much more toxic world than ever before, both energetically and chemically, our energy bodies are overstimulated and begin to manifest physical symptoms.

I myself suffer from CRPS (Complex regional pain syndrome) caused by complications from my emergency surgeries surrounding my near-death-experience. CRPS effects the autonomic nervous system actions such as heart rate, digestion, temperature regulation and the automatic processes of your internal organs.

To simplify, my body tells my brain that it's under attack and my brain responds by sending all my cells into overdrive and fighting a non-existent war, which in turn, ends up identifying my own body as the invader. It sucks. After 10 years, I still don't have a full understanding of what goes on inside my body and brain.

Through my quest for a PHYSICAL healing, I have discovered that there is no amount of healing that will take place unless the whole body is being healed. Meaning, your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical self, all need to be nurtured and balanced in order to operate properly.

There is a huge mind, body, soul connection that we are JUST starting to realize here in the western world of healing. Most times than not, when we suffer a health crisis, it is really the beginning of a spiritual quest and discovery. It makes you face yourself, refocus your energy and efforts to heal yourself and get back to the things you love.

For example, if you break your leg, you will be in pain, it will bum you out, you will miss out on doing things you love, you will have lots of time to think of things that you wouldn't normally think about, and it is in these times that your inner strength - or lack there of - is revealed.

You find out just how strong you are when you have no choice but to be. And if you're lucky, you will heal the bone, and help yourself back to health and be able to regain full functioning of your leg and engage in all the things you couldn't do with a cast on. When you are able to regain your ability to take part in the things you missed out on, you will do so with a new appreciation for it, because at one time you took it for granted.

For some, we don't recover. Something happens in our physical bodies, and then of course in our mental and emotional selves, that don't allow the leg to fully heal. We end up losing our identity bit-by-bit by having to accept the fact that we may never skate board again, or live a life without being in pain. We may never walk without a limp or not be able to walk ever again.

Everyone's story is different. Everyone's circumstances are different. But one thing that is the same, is pain. We all experience pain. Everyone's pain IS pain, and there shouldn't be any comparison among pain and trauma. We are stuck in a culture that promotes focusing on pain, and promotes competition among everything we humans do. I have encountered many people on my path that compare pain and trauma to make themselves appear that they are in more pain than you.

I will repeat, pain is not a competition.

We are also a society that encourages healing. A part of healing is to acknowledge and embrace the pain. Whether we are talking about an emotional or physical trauma, there is always pain. As humans, we got really good at detaching and repressing pain. Whether we weren't raised in a healthy environment that encouraged expression, or whether we were just we unable to fully express ourselves in our world, we all have issues that we've stuffed so far down, that we are almost in denial of their existence.

That's what happens when you decide to heal. You have to ask all the pain hiding in the darkness of your heart to step up and identify themselves. You have to stare that pain in the face and hug it as much as you hate it. You have to acknowledge the pain's existence, and then you have to embrace the pain.

The problem is, we usually stop there. There is one more step to the process that we fail to complete, which is letting that pain go. We like to hold onto our pain. It makes sense to hold on, and identify with our pain, because it's because of the pain, that we are currently who we are.

We identify so greatly with our pain, that we begin to wear it as our armour. We get up every day and put on the pain that has shaped us. Sometimes, we are so scared to let go of the pain and actually heal, because we are afraid of who we might be without it.

I know it sounds too simple to be true, because chronic illness and ongoing pain is a very real thing. But the way to heal the physical pain, is to acknowledge the energetic pain that our physical, mental, and emotional bodies hold onto. It is through rewiring your brain, in alignment with what your other body systems know to be true, before we can truly see an improvement in our physical health.

I have been on the quest to heal for 10 years now, and I still suffer from debilitating physical pain that interferes with my life and has shaped me greatly. It is a daily struggle for me to be aware enough of myself, to remind myself that the pain does not define me. I am currently undergoing a very intense therapy that explores how to align the physical muscle memory and the energetic system of the body to reset the programming between the brain and the body. It focuses on the physical symptoms as a secondary complaint to the emotional trauma that tends to be a motivator for the body to hold onto.

When we focus so much on pain, we experience more pain. We give power to where we focus our attention. It is easy to feel at odds with your own body when you are constantly suffering from the wrath of hate your body seems to have for itself.

But instead of looking at pain as the enemy, we should embrace the pain enough to ask it what it needs to heal. When you befriend your pain, and use it as an indicator as to what you should actually be focusing on healing, you become more one with yourself then you would be when at odds with yourself.

Disease happens when we are not in ease within our selves. Dis-ease is created when the body systems aren't in harmony and balanced with one another. So any time there is a physical symptom, you need to realize there is an emotional motivator keeping that pain alive. We need to identify the trauma, acknowledge it, embrace it... and then let it the f@ck go!

We have to work on our release. Thank your pain every day for allowing you to experience your inner strength. Thank your pain for showing you the way to your spiritual self. Thank your pain for showing you where you need to focus, and thank your pain for coming as you boot it out the door.

I invite you, if you are a pain sufferer, to adopt the perspective every day when you get up in the morning, regardless of how bad you feel, that you GET to wake up today, you GET to learn how to take care of yourself, and you GET to be on the path of self discovery. When you stop putting your energy into the pain and the limitations it puts on you, you will see the pain shift.

Is it possible to get rid of pain completely and fully heal from such a horrible disease or disorder?

I'd like to think so! I believe in miracles and I believe in science. I think if you put forth the effort and are open to exploring your inner self, you will find you really do heal! It may be small parts of you that get healed or it may be a total recovery. I believe it is the best thing you can do for your state of mind and physical health.

Even getting needles every week and IV infusions more often than anyone should, I remind myself hooked up to those machines that this is just temporary. It's all just a stepping stone towards being free of the pain.

I have befriended my pain. I have embraced it and allowed it to lead my life. I've asked it what it needs from me, and I've given it everything I can. I still live with my pain, but each day it is another step to letting it go. And one day, when it has taught me all there is to teach, it will be released from my body, as I transform the pain energy it has created into a source of power.

I invite you to do the same.

Why Are There So Many Deaths in February?

Every year it seems like more and more people are dying in clusters. I truly believe in Soul contracts and because of that I can't help but to wonder why these Souls have chosen exit points in groups or clusters.

The winter months are always the highest death rates throughout the world. Between the weather causing accidents, or germs and viruses being at an all time high, it makes sense. Because I always look at life through an energetic lense, I see a bit more to this winter crossing point than most.

It has been a repetitive pattern to me that there are so many natural deaths taking place in February - Pisces season. Pisces season is the last phase in our energetic calendar where we "go home" to our spiritual realm, our inner world, for resolve and for closure. Pisces is the sign that is most connected to the spirit realm and our unconscious mind here in the physical world. Pisces, is all about review, reflection, and the un-doing of all we've gone through. It's also the sign that escapes reality whenever it can.

It makes perfect sense to me that those who have now completed their Soul's mission here in this world would choose Pisces season to cross over. It is the closest we get to the spirit realm, the deepest we dive into our subconscious, and the final stop before starting a brand new energetic cycle.

You will notice that there are people on your social media posting about losing their grandparents, their aunts and uncles, even their children. I hope you haven't been the one to suffer this loss, but if you are, please know that it was simply time for your loved one to go home.

I always feel weird hearing about people dying, because I know where they are going and it makes me envious of them, as if they are going on a Caribbean holiday to enjoy the warmth of the Sun in the middle of a cold, dark, winter. It brings me a sense of peace, and (do I dare say) jealousy, knowing that they are no longer tied to the physical world and that they get to return home to the spirit world, to live freely with no pain, no anguish, and to be reunited with their loved ones on the other side.

I always silently say in my head, "Good for you for completing your mission! Well done! Now it's time for you to celebrate in Spirit!"

Of course my heart aches for those that these Spirits leave behind, mourning and grieving their loss. Hey, I get it. It's taken me a long time to come to peace with losing my loved ones too. I feel like, because most people fear death, and don't understand or refuse to accept that death is just a different stage of living, that it creates more pain in their hearts to try and deal with.

I have noticed, this year in particular, that there has been mention of many people dying, and crossing over to the other side this past month. For the shortest month in the year, it has a staggering number of deaths. I truly empathize with anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one at this time, but please know, your loved ones are celebrating a job well done.

I know that doesn't ease your pain still being stuck here in the physical realm, dealing with the painful emotions that wash over you when someone departs, but please know with every ounce of your being, that they are not gone, they are just no longer attached to a physical body. Spirit is with us all the time, and although you may miss the physical presence of your loved one, they are very much still with you, guiding you, protecting you, doing what they can to make sure you complete your Soul's mission. It is never a bad thing to have angels in your corner.

Another weird oddity about February (Pisces season), is that the number of overdoses (or attempted overdoses) rise. I’m not going to say that these are suicide attempts in any way, but the energy for us to want to escape reality is very high and intense during Pisces season.

I scroll through social media noticing people posting about, “Man, I haven’t drank like that in years, never again!” To me, it all connects with wanting to escape and needing to numb the very intense emotions that come up during our inward journeys of Pisces season.

It is always advised when there is a strong Piscean energy and influence to avoid drugs and alcohol at all costs. We are unable to regulate or have our normal control over our consumption during Pisces season, thus, so many people over-indulging in drugs and alcohol.   

February, (and into March), we have to be very careful what it is we are putting into our bodies. Our physical bodies are usually heavy, lazy, and less active than normal. Pisces season is where we are at our lowest physical productivity and at our highest intuition and emotions. To those that are not familiar with, or sensitive to energies, and how to navigate these “energetic shitstorms” it can prove to be very difficult to do so without the want, need, or desire to escape it all.

Please take the time and surrender to whatever comes up for you emotionally during these energy waves. Don’t try to run from it, numb it, repress it, or control it. Simply let it just come, and let it go. Emotions are energy in motion (e-motion). The energy is always changing and always evolving into something different. Make a note of what emotions are triggering for you and use that as a roadmap for your healing.

When you hear of someone struggling, looking for an escape from their reality, reach out to them. They need your support. And when you hear of people dying, and crossing over, silently congratulate them for completing their mission and know that they just graduated to the next stage of life. Offer the loved ones they left behind a warm embrace, and maybe remind them they their loved ones are never truly gone.

Marlee Henry

Psychic Advisor

The Energy Boutique

Should you require any assistance in navigating these energies, please book a session online and I’d be happy to help guide you through.

How I Ended Up Dying

I just want to thank each and every single one of you for the overwhelming feedback, love, and support from my post “On The 10th Anniversary Of My Death”. I received more views on that one post than I usually receive in a whole month on all of my posts combined. Your kind words, comments, and personal emails were exactly what I needed to validate that I am on the right track in sharing my story.

It has reminded me that we are all suffering in many ways, and now that we have Chiron moved into Aries for the next 7 years, healing our identities and physical bodies, we absolutely need to share our experiences with one another. To recognize our wounds, our trauma, our pain, and actively work towards not allowing it to define us or restrict us in life will be an on-going challenge as we take our power back.

I had many questions asked of me in regard to the details surrounding my death. Slowly but surely, I will disclose as much of my story as I can in little bits and pieces. The most common question I have received over the years of sharing my story with others, and from my latest post, was “What happened to you for all of this to take place?”

Well, the storyline that took place to get me in that operating room isn’t a good one. I don’t think there is any storyline that could be a good one leading to that kind of situation, but mine is an absolute heartbreaker.

Just after Christmas in 2008, I discovered I was pregnant. Being a Mom was the only thing I ever wanted to do in this life and I was excited and scared shitless to realize that my dream was coming true. I had a difficult pregnancy from day 1. Early on in the pregnancy I experienced spotting which landed me in the emergency room where after hours of poking and prodding, many failed scans, and multiple blood tests, I was told I was miscarrying. This was honestly the worst day of my life.

The amount of pain and heartbreak that comes with the realization that your dreams of your child, their future, what they will look like, how they would laugh, is ripped out of your chest and stomped on the minute you hear those words. So many women suffer this great pain in silence and it isn’t a wound that is easily healed. I was beyond the point of distraught. In the middle of an emotional breakdown, I became very depressed and zombie-like as I spent the next couple of days on the couch staring off into space.

I was required to go get followup bloodwork to ensure I was miscarrying properly and didn’t need a procedure to help my body in the miscarrying process. Off I went. Another blood test and back to my couch of mourning. I received a call from my doctor a few days later stating that she was unsure what as going on but my bloodwork revealed that I wasn’t miscarrying at all, that my HCG (human growth hormone present when you are pregnant) levels were on the rise. She ordered an emergency scan, and of course more bloodwork.

The news that I may still be carrying my child woke me up from my zombie state and put me into panic mode. Off I went, back to the hospital for more tests. They concluded that there was no signs of life inside of me from the results of the scan, however, my bloodwork still suggested that something wasn’t right. Confused and scared as hell, I went back to the couch, paralyzed, not knowing what to think or to do.

Over the next couple of weeks the scans and bloodwork continued. The dialogue went from, "Yes, you’re pregnant. I’m sorry you’re miscarrying. We think you’re still pregnant. We are considering the possibility of twins. We lost a twin. We have lost all viable pregnancies."

What a shitshow right?!

At this point, I think my soul had checked out of my body. I couldn’t handle the emotions anymore. I was instructed to go home and let the process happen. I tried. I went back to the couch and laid there for days which turned into weeks. The pain got more and more intense and although I reached out to my doctors they assured me that it was totally natural and to just try and relax.

Right.

Two days prior to the day I died on the operating table, I went to the emergency room knowing that something wasn’t right. Nothing was right about this process, but I just didn’t feel like what was supposed to be happening, was what was actually happening.

Low and behold, they discovered through a whole day of exams, scans, and bloodwork, that I was in fact still pregnant. They located my little girl at in my fallopian tube. She was alive, had a heartbeat, and somehow created her own blood source in an area that would never support life.

I was immediately admitted to the hospital and scheduled for emergency surgery. I should have been dead right there. A fallopian tube is only as big as the tip of a sharpened pencil and here I had a growing baby in there. They advised me that it was a miracle that the tube hadn’t burst already. Having an ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy located in an area other than the uterus) is a very dangerous condition. Women have lost their lives from having the tube burst inside of them, so this was not only a medical miracle, but it was a medical emergency too.

I went into surgery where they removed my baby from me. There was no chance of her survival, but removing her asap was the only way they could ensure my survival. The surgery went as planned except when I woke up from surgery, I couldn’t breathe. I complained to the doctors and nurses about this but was told that it was natural to feel that kind of discomfort after a surgery and that it will go away. It didn’t. It got worse.

The next morning with the shift change of nurses, I continued to tell them that I couldn’t breathe. One beautiful soul of a nurse was so empathetic that she humoured me and gave me a good check over. Her faced dropped as she checked my lungs with her stethoscope and hurried out of the room. She came back with a whole crew of nurses and quickly transferred me to a gurney where they took me to the X-ray department.

I couldn't stand or hold myself up, the pain was too much. I had 3 nurses do all they could to hold me in position for the scan to be done. There, on the screen, they confirmed that my complaints were totally valid as I had a chest full of blood. My surgery the day before somehow continued to bleed internally and I had an abdomen of blood putting pressure on my lungs, preventing me from breathing.

My second emergency surgery was scheduled and they frantically got me hooked up and ready for a blood transfusion as I had already lost too much blood to go into surgery. As it turns out, I have a very rare blood type and they had to contact other blood banks in order to get the blood I needed before I could be operated on.

After a series of 3 blood transfusions, they finally took me into the operating room where I died on the table as they attempted to repair my surgery site. That’s how I was able to have my white light experience and visit the spirit realm for the first time.

I will definitely be writing about my white light experience in another post in the very near future, but for now I am going to stop my story here. Hopefully this gives you an idea of the emotional pain and trauma my soul was under prior to my “near-death-experience”.

In the aftermath of this horrible event, it was determined that I was in fact pregnant at one point with twins. I had lost my little boy naturally and of course my stubborn little girl held on until she was forced out (stubborn like her Momma).

I have hesitated for many years to share this part of my story publicly, as it is a wound that just won’t seem to heal. But knowing how many women are suffering in silence through their own miscarriages and pregnancy losses is an epidemic that needs more light and attention brought to it. It's a painful experience to go through and many women never heal because of the lack of support and acknowledgement of grieving a child that was never really “real”.

What I learned in my death, in my time in the spirit realm, is that the souls of these babies that never got a chance to experience this human world are very real, and are very alive in spirit. It’s been through my understanding of this phenomenon that has allowed me to heal my wounds surrounding losing my babies knowing they are in the spirit realm watching over me, guiding me, and protecting me.

It is my hope that by sharing the details of my story and experience that I can help even ONE woman feel not so alone through similar situations. It is an awful thing to have to go through and process alone. Even with the love and support of family, friends, and doctors, you never really feel like they “get it”. It’s only been through connecting with other women who have suffered the same kind of loss and wounds that you start to realize that you’re not alone in this.

It’s an awful thing to have in common with another person, but at the same time, the world isn’t as dark knowing that others have survived and have gone on to be happy in life despite what happened to them and their angel babies.

This storyline in my life has been my greatest source of pain, and although I feel at peace with it now, it still carries a heavy weight on my heart. In my attempt to turn my pain into power I have found myself fully embracing the gifts and abilities that were blessed upon me in that operating room, and because of that, I feel that helping others, sharing my story, and being a source of light for someone as they navigate through their darkness is honouring the lives of my children.

It is through the pain of their loss that I channel the power of their love through me, pushing me to be better and encouraging me to be a source of hope for others who need to know that they are not alone.

Related articles:

• My White Light Moment

• The Aftermath of the Afterlife: Part 1

• The Aftermath of the Afterlife: Part 2

Energy Counselling

The newest services that I've introduced to my offering is Energy Counselling. I myself have spent many hours in a room with a therapist trying to work through some issues throughout my growth. It's very tricky and challenging to be someone who is very spiritual, relies heavily on astrology and the moon as indicators to best navigate life, who sees and speaks to dead people on the regular, and who contacts the spirit realm on the daily, to be in therapy.

You are constantly filtering what you talk about and how you say it, in fear that leaking this information in session will lead to you being deemed crazy and thrown in a psych ward. When you see wildlife as messengers of spirit, and you operate through your day-to-day life looking for and responding to signs that are of great importance to you, you are "crazy" to those that don't have a similar spiritual sense of self. It has been very difficult for me to actually receive the kind of support I've needed throughout my healing journey because of having to limit my thoughts, feelings, and experiences in therapy.

Six years ago, I embarked on my own journey into becoming a Metaphysical Counsellor. Metaphysics is the unexplainable world outside of what we know to be true in our physical world. Metaphysics is all about the energies and spirits at play that we know exist, but we can't see them or can fully understand or explain their existence.

By combining the two worlds, of Metaphysics and Counselling, I am able to provide talk therapy sessions with my Clients where we approach any and all topics that you would normally go to a therapist for, except you don't have to edit yourself, and be mindful about what it is that you're revealing in session. You don't have to be afraid to talk about all of the "crazy" stuff that a normal therapist might not understand.

I am the person that you can talk about all this "crazy" stuff with, and guess what?! It's not crazy! There are so many sensitive people on this earth right now, lightworkers, healers, and every day somebodies, that just happen to believe in the Spirit realm and the energies of our Universe. These people need the most guidance and support as we navigate the heavy physical world that is often all too overwhelming and painful to deal with alone.

Energy Counselling provides a safe space for those who are energetically and spiritually sensitive to talk about their day-to-day earthly problems in a space where we use the Metaphysical tools such as energy work, dream interpretation, tarot and oracle cards, astrology, and alternative healing modalities, to receive guidance and clarity from the Spirit realm and help move through these earthly issues with a Metaphysical understanding.

I am so excited to be able to help others in a new way! I think that had I had the opportunity to have a therapist who fully embraced the Metaphysical realm, I would have received the kind of help and support I truly needed in my darkest days. To be able to work with my Clients in this capacity is exciting on so many levels. Finally, we can tackle real life issues by factoring in the Metaphysical fundamentals and provide true healing to the mind, body, and soul.

To book an Energy Counselling session, please click here. 

I can't wait for us to get started!

Marlee Henry

Psychic Advisor

The Energy Boutique

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On The 10th Anniversary Of My Death

Ten years ago today, I had a near-death-experience. I actually don’t know why they call it a near-death-experience when I was in fact dead. In an operating room, the medical team spent close to 4 minutes reviving my lifeless body.

While “CODE BLUE” rang over the loud speaker of the hospital, I was standing outside of my body watching them do all they could to save my life. I spent what felt like an eternity in the whitest, purest, most awe inspiring light being downloaded with information about life and the human experience. I can’t even begin to tell you how beautiful the light was. We have no words in our vocabulary to describe it, and a lack of the mental capability to even try to comprehend it. No physical forms exist there, just our Souls; our energy, our consciousness.

I was given the gift of knowledge of how the world is energetically connected. I understood death, pain, suffering, why life was the way it was, and why we are here. I learned about how karmic and soul contracts worked and so many other things about life beyond this physical world.

Obviously, the medical team succeed in restoring my life. But after about a week or more of being in a drug induced coma, I woke up knowing things I shouldn’t know. My return to this physical world was one of great sadness for me. After experiencing what I did in the Spirit realm, I really didn’t want to come back.

Even though it took me a long time to be able to realize and process what had happened to me, I knew without a doubt I was brought back to help others. I had a very clear understanding of my mission here on earth.

It has been a very long and painful road of recovery since then. The mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical trauma paralyzed me in many ways until I was able to sort through it all. The physical trauma has left me with some disabilities and health issues that I still can’t seem to overcome. I have had one hell of a time trying to fit in, in this world since my return, because well, essentially everything is different.

I walk the line between two worlds. I was gifted with abilities to connect to the spirit realm and receive information for my clients. I have also struggled to fully embrace my role and honour my contract as I haven’t been fully comfortable being this person for others to lean on.

I have been doing readings and sharing my gifts with others since day one. I reached my own crisis point a few years back, a break in my own faith that forced me to stop helping others and try to be “normal” as I helped myself. It didn’t work. I actually found myself in horrible situations with horrible people all in the name of trying to avoid my mission.

What I learned during my time away from doing readings professionally, is that it doesn’t matter where I end up, or who I end up with, I am a healer. I am the one that people naturally gravitate to for counsel and guidance. I seem to cross paths with people that need help and whether I realized it or not, I was in full and constant communication with the Spirit realm, even when I tried my damnedest to shut them out.

It’s only been over the last 2 years, that I’ve put up my white flag and have surrendered myself completely to the Universe. I am no longer fighting myself, fighting them, or fighting my mission on earth to help others. This role that they’ve bestowed upon me has been a hard one to accept, as I am not the outgoing, want-to-be -in-the-spotlight kind of person I think this role calls for. It has taken me years, to share my story (there’s more to come) and to really put myself out there in the world as a beacon of light for people to find their way out of the darkness. I am still having to push and encourage myself each and every day to embrace my gifts and abilities and use them to help whoever needs me.

So today, on the 10th anniversary of my death, I figured there is no better time to breathe new life into my healing practice. You have all been so supportive sending me love and encouragement every step of the way. This is no longer a “side hobby” that I try to keep quiet. I am fully embracing my gifts and abilities, my position to help others, and turning what I once was very quiet and embarrassed about into my source of power.

This is me waving my flag. I am no longer waving it as a surrender to the Universe, as I am waving it with pride as I am standing tall and proud of my experiences, my gifts, and my ability to connect with those who need guidance through this world. I am owning my flag.

I am excited to announce that I have many new things to offer and share with you. You will be seeing many changes over the next few weeks starting with my website. I am preparing to launch online courses and workshops to help others fully embrace who they are and what they are here to do. I will be releasing a podcast so that I can share my knowledge with a much larger audience, and I am happy to announce that after 6 years of study, I am in my final stages of obtaining my Ph.D in Metaphysical Counselling which allows me to blend talk therapy with the gifts and abilities I was given, and other divination tools to help you overcome your obstacles here in this life path.

My story is a story of turning pain into power. We all have wounds that we feel weak about, that we try to hide away from others. My objective is to now to help others identify their pain and turn it into a source of power. We are given these experiences for a reason, and it’s our jobs to fully embrace who we are and be proud of everything we’ve survived and accomplished along the way.

Thank you for giving me the strength to stand up and embrace my pain, and through helping to heal others, I’ve been able to help heal myself.

If that isn’t power, I don’t know what is.

Related articles:

• How I Ended Up Dying

• My White Light Moment

• The Aftermath of the Afterlife: Part 1

• The Aftermath of the Afterlife: Part 2